5 Signs You’ve Officially Become a Dog Dad
How to tell if your personality has been replaced by a leash.
It happens slowly. One day you’re a bloke with a career, a skincare routine, and a social life. The next, you’re standing in a damp park in Hackney, debating the merits of grain-free kibble with a stranger whose name you don’t even know.
You didn’t choose the Dog Dad life. It hijacked you. If you’re wondering if you’ve crossed the line, check your pockets. If there’s a crumpled plastic bag and a half-eaten liver treat in there, it’s already too late.
The Evidence
1. The Wardrobe Pivot
You used to buy clothes because they looked good. Now, you buy them based on “wipeability.” You own a high-spec waterproof jacket that cost more than your first car, specifically so you can stand in a field at dawn looking like an off-duty North Face model while the dog stares at a bush for twenty minutes. Your expensive trainers are now reserved for weddings and funerals.
2. The Great Poop Inspection
You’ve reached a level of intimacy with another living creature that would be illegal with a human. You spend a significant portion of your morning judging the “structural integrity” of a bowel movement. If it’s firm, you feel a genuine sense of pride. Your Google search history is a horror show of digestive health queries.
3. The Social Death Spiral
You’ve started turning down Friday night drinks because “the dog has been alone all day.” You tell your mates it’s because she gets anxious, but the truth is you’d rather watch Netflix with a bulldog snoring on your feet than pay £8 for a lukewarm pint. Your Instagram is no longer your face; it’s just 400 photos of the dog sleeping.
4. The Financial Ruin
You used to shop at Waitrose for yourself. Now, you buy the “Essential” range for your own dinner so you can afford the bespoke, cold-pressed, organic venison sausages for the dog. You have a spreadsheet for the vet bills but “guess” if you can afford your own rent.
5. The Bed Situation
You pay for a king-size mattress, but you live on a six-inch sliver of the edge. The dog, despite being significantly smaller than you, has mastered the art of becoming a heavy, immovable anchor in the exact centre of the bed. You wake up with back pain and an apology in your heart.
If you’re tired of the “pawsome” clichés and want the no-BS reality of raising a dog, you’re in the right place.
If this sounded familiar, hit the ❤️ button. It’s the digital equivalent of a belly rub, and frankly, I need the validation today.
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