The Third Wheel in the Bedroom
How a 25kg Bulldog ensures your romantic life is dead on arrival this February.
We are approaching that time of year where the shops are full of overpriced roses and the pressure to be “romantic” reaches a fever pitch. But for those of us living with a dog, Valentine’s Day isn’t about candlelight and intimacy. It’s about a hostage situation involving a 25kg Bulldog and your duvet.
There is no “mood” that a Bulldog cannot instantly kill. You can dim the lights, put on a playlist, and pour the expensive wine, but the moment things start to move in a promising direction, the “Third Wheel” arrives. In my flat, that looks like Luna.
Luna has a sixth sense for intimacy. The second there is a shift in the atmosphere, she’s there. She doesn’t just watch; she participates via a series of heavy sighs, judgmental stares, and the occasional, room-clearing fart. It is physically impossible to feel sexy when a creature with a visible underbite is staring at you like you’ve stolen her seat.
I’ve had dates come over to the flat only to have the “romance” derailed because the dog decided to wedge herself directly between us on the sofa. If I try to move her, she becomes a dead weight. If I put her in the hallway, she performs a scratch-and-whine routine that sounds like a Victorian ghost haunting a radiator.
The “Dog Dad” dating life is a minefield. You aren’t just selling yourself; you’re selling a package deal that includes a snoring, flatulent roommate who will almost certainly try to lick the face of anyone you attempt to kiss. I am essentially paying a mortgage for a flat where I am the secondary character in my own love life. Happy Valentine’s to everyone else. I’ll be over here, sharing a bed with a Bulldog who thinks my pillows are her personal nesting ground.
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Thanks for the wonderful laugh this morning!