A field guide to the hijacked life.

If you search the internet for the definition of a “Dog Dad,” you will likely be met with a deluge of saccharine imagery: men in matching cable-knit sweaters, pristine Golden Retrievers, and hashtags like #Pawsome.

This is a curated myth. In reality, being a dog dad—especially in the UK, where it’s perpetually damp—is a far more gritty affair. After three years of living with a Bulldog named Luna, I’ve realised that the “lifestyle” isn’t a hobby. It’s a total takeover.

The Actual Definition

A Dog Dad is a man whose life has been successfully hijacked by a four-legged, chaotic roommate he didn’t ask for, but would now quite literally die for.

It is the state of being a “reluctant protagonist.” You are a man who likely had high-end aspirations—a clean flat, brilliant white trainers, a social life that didn’t involve checking the time every 45 minutes—until a creature with the physical density of a breeze block decided your schedule was irrelevant.